Chronic-Illness, Disability, Depression and Creativity.
Finding My Creative Voice Through Illness, Ancient Egypt, and Empowerment Photography
The following is an excerpt from a presentation I gave at the Speak Story Lounge in 2024.
If you prefer- a video version of this article is above.
“Today I want to share something really personal— a story about depression, disability, creativity, and, surprisingly, how ancient Egypt ties into all of it…
Before I dive in, a quick content note: I’ll be mentioning suicide and mental health struggles. If you’re not in the right headspace for that, feel free to come back to this later. You can find a list of mental health resources in NZ here.
Ainsley taking a self portrait not long after the Mirena -IUD incident in 2021.
“Two Years Ago, I Wanted Out” - My Breaking Point: Living with Chronic Illness and Creativity Struggles
Less than two years ago, I was sitting in the emergency department, waiting for the mental health team. I had a wisdom tooth infection on top of the chronic pain I already lived with - endometriosis, CPTSD, and all the other fun things that come with those conditions.
I told the doctors that I wanted to end my life — not because I didn’t love life, but because the pain was unbearable. I didn’t want to keep waking up in this body, in this constant state of suffering. I was exhausted. I could barely move. I remember saying, “I’m done. I’ve tried. It’s not working for me. I’d like to step out now.”
The only thing that stopped me? I literally didn’t have the energy to go through with it. Even that felt exhausting. So, I sat in ED for over 10 hours, waiting for someone to help me.
No one came.
It sounds dramatic, but I was in year two of dealing with extreme chronic pain and fatigue. In 2021 I’d been rear-ended in a car accident on the way to a gynecology appointment to get a Mirena for my endometriosis symptoms. I suffered extremely painful whiplash and a concussion. Two weeks later, I had the Mirnea insertion that went horribly wrong and left me with severe PTSD, which later developed into C-PTSD. My nervous system was broken, my endometriosis symptoms took off, and my pain skyrocketed. I became disabled.
Suddenly, everything I loved—my work, my social life, my independence — crumbled. I couldn’t work. My income disappeared. I had no energy for my creative practice. I was bedbound most days for nearly two years. My identity as an artist disappeared. I didn’t recognise myself anymore. The wisdom tooth infection just tipped me over the edge.
I could not do it anymore.
CPTSD left me as a shell of the happy, positive, active human-being I once was.
“Why Me?”
So, when a friend invited me to speak at a creative workshop last year, my first thought was: Why me?
My career had tanked. I felt like a failure. I’d spent years trying to survive financially as a creative while living on a sickness benefit. I didn’t feel successful. I didn’t even feel creative anymore.
But then I realised something: maybe the thing I could offer was honesty. Because I’ve been there—in that deep, dark place where nothing seems to work and life keeps handing you obstacles.
Sometimes it feels like you’re in a big black hole, but there is a way out… through.
If you’re there right now, I want you to know: as much as it sucks, you just have to keep going.
One foot in front of the other. Even when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, keep moving.
It’s taken me ten years to “find myself” in the photography industry, and in a lot of ways it’s a long way from where I first started…
From couples canoodling in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris…
From Paris to Rock Bottom
It’s wild to think how far my life has swung. Ten or so years ago, I was working as a photographer in Paris, taking photos of honeymooning couples under the Eiffel Tower. It was a dream job — good money, beautiful locations, interesting people.
But something was missing. I wanted more meaning in my work. So, I pivoted into travel and documentary photography. I loved it, even if it didn’t pay much. I saw the world, told powerful stories, and wrote travel blogs. But it wasn’t sustainable.
Eventually, heartbreak brought me home to New Zealand in 2019. I thought it was temporary — I’d go back to Paris soon. Then COVID hit, and I was stuck. I tried to make it work. I shot boudoir sessions, picked up gigs here and there, got a writing gig for a photography website, did some more travel writing… I was doing pretty well, but it was really tough coming back to New Zealand with its small photography community, which back then was very dominated by middle aged white men.
I really did not fit it in.
I battled imposter syndrome every day and I still felt lost.
And then, I got sick. Really sick.
To exposing the world through my own lens.
Letting Go to Survive- Losing and Rebuilding My Creative Identity
Once I reached that breaking point in my illness after the ED visit, I realised that things needed to change if I wanted to survive. It forced me to reevaluate my work and my priorities.
I stopped saying yes to gigs that drained me or didn’t pay well. I stopped trying to fit into a niche because I thought it would bring more clients. I stopped pouring energy into things that didn’t align with my values.
I stopped fighting my illness and started listening to it. I leaned into rest without guilt. I let go of the pressure to “be successful” by someone else’s definition.
Instead, I started asking: What feels right for me?
And that changed everything.
Learning to lean into a new way of doing things.
What can we learn from a chronic illness and trauma?
Empowerment Photography Found Me- Empowerment Photography: Redefining Body Image and Art
Once I embraced that shift, things started to move. I got the gigs I actually wanted. I began working with people whose values matched mine. I got nominated for awards. My work was published in PhotoVogue, Grazia, and Elle.My style started evolving into something that felt more meaningful, more unique. And importantly, I found the energy to start helping others.
Things started looking up when I found my purpose.
But the biggest transformation came through empowerment photography and leaning into it as a form of story telling.
For me, it’s about photographing people as they truly are—real bodies, real stories. No Photoshop. No retouching to erase so-called “flaws.” Just honest, beautiful reality.
It’s about unlearning all those harmful ideas about body image and replacing them with acceptance and kindness.
My goal is simple: to show that all bodies are good bodies.
And you know what? Doing this work healed me, too.
What Ancient Egypt Taught Me About Body Ideals
The other thing I did? I went back to uni to study Egyptology — a childhood dream of mine.
Sounds random, right? But it ties in beautifully. The more I learn about ancient Egypt, the more it affects my photography practice.
Understanding how body image has changed and evolved over the past 6000 years has been incredibly enlightening. The way that body shapes change fashion, the way the ideal changes from culture to culture and within time periods.
Many of the most famous statues showing the human body weren’t based on real people. They were composites—a mix of traits someone thought were ideal. That “perfect body” never existed.
So why do we torture ourselves trying to achieve this ideal body that is always changing? Why are we chasing something that isn’t even real?
Instead, why not celebrate the bodies we already have?
For me, I do this through my photography.
Body image and our version of the ‘ideal’ has always changed- even in ancient times.
Living Creatively with Chronic Illness: What I’ve Learned
Leaning into what I love — photography that empowers people and studying something that fuels my soul erased my imposter syndrome. After all, I’m not competing with anyone. I’m not trying to be like anyone else. I’m not trying to fit into a mould that is not built for my body. I genuinely don’t know any one else who is doing empowerment photography through the lens of the ancient world. I am doing something unique, and more importantly I am doing something that makes myself and others feel good.
And if someone doesn’t like it? That’s fine. I like it. And at the end of the day, that’s what matters.
Finding your creative flow sometimes involves letting go.
I promise, it gets better. x
If You’re in That Dark Place…
So all of this is to say.. if you’re stuck, feeling lost, doubting your worth, if you are doing work you’r not happy with or you can’t find your “niche”, if you are facing obstacle after obstacle and it feels like there is no luck on your side…. I want you to know this: it gets better. You’ll find your place. Keep going. One foot in front of the other. Believe in yourself. Believe in your kaaupapa.
Do what you love, and the rest will follow.
Follow where your heart leads you x
If this resonated with you, come say hi on my Instagram . I’m building a creative, well-being community for chronically ill and disabled artists, and for anyone who doesn’t fit the “traditional” mould of success. You belong here.
Take a deep breath and let that weight go…
xx Ainsley
Join the creative revolution. x