Fighting My Chronic Illness Made Me Sicker

And Letting Go Helped Me Heal

When I finally let go of trying to heal myself magical things happened - Image by David Dunham

I Was Fighting Something I Didn’t Even Have a Name For

Long before I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I was already at war with my body. I just didn’t know what the battle was, or why I was continuously losing it.

Like most women with endo, my early symptoms weren’t diagnosed. They were just mysterious problems that continued to appear no matter what I did. I bounced between explanations, tests, confusion, attempts to cure myself and self-doubt. I kept trying to “fix” myself without actually knowing what was wrong.

Which, in hindsight, is a bit like trying to repair a car engine… with no experience… using Google… and a random collection of parts that don’t match the car.

Endometriosis takes an average of up to ten years to diagnose. Mine took even longer. So for years, I was pushing through pain, fatigue, and strange and uncomfortable symptoms, telling myself I just needed to try harder. Eat better. Rest more. Be more disciplined. Be less dramatic. Be more resilient.

Spoiler: none of those things cured me.

Multiple hospital stays for mysterious pelvic and abdominal pains and being sent home with no clear answers.

The “Good Patient” Phase

When I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis, I threw everything I had at it.

I researched constantly. I learned everything I could about it. I searched for cures, management strategies, miracle diets, supplements, lifestyle changes. I read book after book, joined forums searching for answers, took pages of notes into specialist appointments. I tried pelvic floor physiotherapy, chiropractors, osteopaths, acupuncture, spiritual healers, pain clinics, psychologists - anything that might give me my old life back.

I did all the “right” things. I prepared for surgery perfectly. I followed recommendations. I structured my life around healing. I got high praise from my specialist for being a "perfect" patient. I became the proactive patient. The determined one. The one doing everything possible. "I wish all of my patients were like you" he said. 

In my acupuncture phase! Surprisingly acupuncture and cupping did seem to make a difference for me.

Pushing Through (And Paying For It)

I pushed through university tests with heavy painkillers and TENS machines taped to my body under my clothes.

Very academic. Very dignified. Very sustainable life strategy...?

I told myself I was being strong... 

But I never performed well in those tests. I was too distracted by pain and fatigue. Trying not to cry while examining cancer ridden bones in a bio-archeology exam. 

In reality, I should have admitted I wasn’t well and applied to change the test date.

But I didn’t. Because I was still fighting.

Still trying to prove I could keep up. Still trying to live my old life in a body that clearly had other plans.

I would push myself to get better and I would push myself once I was feeling better and then I would crash.

Rest. Push. Crash. Rest. Push. Crash.

On repeat for years.

Eventually, I burned out completely. My mental health crashed alongside my physical health.

Pushing through the pain, discomfort, inflammation and flare- ups did nothing to help me heal.

The Breaking Point

Eventually, everything caught up with me.

I ended up in the emergency department completely exhausted. Emotionally, physically, financially — done.

I had pushed myself past my limits for so long that I had nothing left. I had completely given up on life. I didn’t want to be here anymore… but I was too exhausted to even act on that feeling.

And strangely… that was the turning point.

When I hit absolute rock bottom, I stopped trying to fix what was unfixable. I began to let go. To surrender. To let my body just be.

And that’s when I started healing.

In the hospital after an incredible painful and traumatic medical treatment went horribly wrong… I was trying everything.

Learning to Work With My Body Instead of Against It

Counselling helped me enormously.

For the first time, I began to interpret my pain and symptoms differently — not as my body ruining my life, but as signals.

Signals that I needed rest.
Signals that I had overdone it.
Signals that something needed to change.

I started listening.

I learned to work with my body instead of fighting it.

I stopped trying to force my new body into my old life.

Instead, I began to build a different life — one that actually worked with chronic illness.

A slower, quieter, chronic-illness friendly life can still be just as beautiful.

Letting Go of the Old Version of Me

This part wasn’t peaceful. It was messy, awkward and full of grief.

Letting go of who I used to be felt like a loss. Because it was.

I wasn’t going to “bounce back.” I wasn’t going to power through.
I wasn’t going to out-discipline a chronic illness. I wasn’t going to get my old life back. (Trust me, I tried. Gold star for effort. Zero stars for sustainability.)

But once I stopped trying to go backwards, I could start moving forward.

I had to finally admit that I could not keep shooting four-day-long festivals in the heat with two cameras while being on painkillers and pushing through severe fatigue.

What Helped Me Shift From Fighting to Listening

These were the things that actually helped me start healing:

• Counselling

• Pacing my energy

• Setting boundaries

• Enrolling in disability services

• Medication

• Prioritising rest

• A mindset shift from “fixing” to “supporting”

• Finding a chronic illness community

• Practising kindness and self-compassion

• Seeing symptoms as signals instead of failures

• Understanding that flare-ups don’t mean I did something wrong

None of these were quick fixes. But together, they changed everything.

Focusing on the present is a method to get your body out of the flight or fight response and into healing mode.

Redefining Healing

Healing didn’t mean curing my endometriosis or chronic illnesses.

Healing meant:

• asking for help

• protecting my energy

• adjusting expectations

• resting without guilt

• creating flexible routines

• accepting support

• living within my limits

• saying no without guilt

It was quieter. Slower. Less impressive from the outside.

But it was sustainable.

Learning to rest without guilt can be difficult if you are used to being someone who is always on the go.

Gentle Reassurance If You’re Still Fighting

If you’re reading this and you’re still in the fighting phase, you need to know that you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re responding in a completely normal way to a challenge you did not choose.

But, you don’t have to reach breaking point to change.

You’re not failing if you’re still trying everything and nothing is working.

You’re not weak if acceptance feels impossible right now.

This shift took me years.

And even now, I still slip back into pushing sometimes. (Old habits die hard. Especially the overachiever ones.)

But little by little, you can learn to listen.

Learning to listen to your body is a bit like interpreting clouds, sometimes the answers are obvious and other times it takes a duper exploration.

A Different Kind of Life

In the end, I didn’t get my old self back.

But I found something else.

A version of me that is more in tune with my body.
A version that sets boundaries.
A version that asks for help.
A version that rests before crashing (most of the time).

A version that is kinder, gentler and more accepting of myself.

I stopped trying to win the fight.

I started learning how to live.

And ironically… that’s when healing finally began.

New life will always find a way x

If you're navigating chronic illness right now, please know you're not alone. Your body isn't the enemy (although it can certainly feel that way sometimes).

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop fighting and start listening.x

Finding a different kind of freedom by learning to live with chronic illness.